NY con mis pollitos

Me, Shaimaa, Nabil enjoying some Halal food

The Egyptians.

And me.

I had so much fun with this group of students. I love them. They've gone home now back to the college dorms, but I broke the rules of the trip and stayed behind to be with my aunt for a little longer. Oops. ;)

And you know, New York has had a clear jump in security since the underwear bomber from Christmas. I got stopped in Penn station and my bag was tested for explosive particles today. I imagine that Times Square is going to be even more strict tomorrow evening. People have already began gathering over there to secure their spots for a clear view of the concert and ball drop. Millions of people from all over the world gather here. It's kind of insane because it gets very packed, and you can't move. If you have to use the bathroom, you can't leave. I won't be going there as originally contemplated, rather I will stay in Brooklyn with family and watch it from TV.

To come full circle to my diet, I have been walking here all day everyday and eating 2 meals and one snack around lunchtime. I skip lunch to save money, and am sure to drink water.

Ok, the truth is..

I forgot what account I made to write in, the password, email, everything.. lol so I will write here :) I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, if ya do ::high five:: if not, I am talking to a wall, which is ok too.

Well, classes finished last Friday, which means I have more time to do as I please. I really slacked this semester.. and still made it out with a 4.0. I suppose I am kind of smart then. Or perhaps my teachers are just extremely lenient and nice.. or a combination.

Well, my weight isn't anything pretty to look at. I weighed myself 2 weeks ago and I was 216.0, so I am approaching a 20 pound gain. I decided that I want to work it out by myself and on my own, because truthfully if I don't have it inside of me to pull out of this mess, then maybe I don't have it at all. I know I do, and I have faith in myself. I know I can.

I put away a couple of my old workout t shirts in a bin in the basement this morning. It is my ever growing bin of clothes that fit me in April at a luscious 198.0 lbs, which are just too snug to even try for. It would be nice to wear them again for graduation, they're nice clothes and I really like them! I also like the pictures of myself from the summer where I was looking trim. When I came back from my trip to Russia I remember feeling so fat in all of those pictures, but now that I look back and compare, I actually looked quite nice, and it would be lovely to be like that again. Luckily, it's only 20 pounds away, and comparatively not too insurmountable of a task.

I went to the gym yesterday and today, and It's been different than the other times I've been there. Let me preface my story by saying that I haven't been to the gym before that in 4 weeks, and have been pie-ing it up like you would not believe. Well, anyway I remember that people working out next to me would sometimes be reading books while on the treadmill or elliptical, and I thought.. how could they concentrate? With the bobbing up and down that you do while working out, how could you stay focused? Well, it's actually a lot of fun!! I finished 'Teacher Man' while on the treadmill, now starting 'A Tree Grows in Brooklyn', and the best part is that the time just flew by, I was so into the book. And I remembered how bored I would get on the treadmill before when I would just watch FOX news and CNN playing on the TV screens, and the time would just drag on so painfully slow, I barely could stand 15 minutes. Staying entertained really is key to working the workout.. PLUS I am now able to use my iPod again. It has lots of nice Christmas music on it, I've got Ol' Blue Eyes and Sarah Brightman serenading my workout.

I'll write again soon. If not for the world then just for myself to keep things documented. Have a safe and happy holiday!!!

September 1, 2009

My mom reads this now (I have no idea how you found it, mom), so I am no longer going to write in it a whole lot. The truth is that I always felt so invaded when she would read my journal/diary. I have had this one online and although I share a lot with her, including my videos, I need some breathing room where I can just express the thoughts I want to share with friends but not family. I am going to create an anonymous blogspot account, and if you'd like you can follow me there. Message me on youtube @ Coquinat and I will give you the new address.

sorry mom, I need some privacy.

i suck

I put on another 5 lbs in Texas. Total of 10 since my lowest weight ...

I'm going on vacation again tomorrow- this time to Western PA, a place about 6 hours from where I live. My family is going to stay there for about 3 days, to wind down the summer and do some sightseeing. I begin classes again next Monday.

I am feeling so bitter about my predicament with my weight right now. It's pretty frustrating. I hate getting compliments on my weight loss, because it is a work unfinished, and I haven't felt accomplished in that way for some time now. People tell me they admire my willpower and discipline.. what discipline? I am completely sucking at this right now, and I'm losing motivation to continue climbing because it feels like I am running up a muddy and slippery slope. I am either running in place, or if I pause I start sliding backwards very quickly.

weigh in

I waste a lot of time on the internet.. I read yesterday that the average American spends 8.5 hours in front of a screen per day. Astounding.

My weight is still the same, I weighed this week at 204.4 :) I think I will go back to a monthly weigh in for next month, because it's just depressing me to feel like I am not getting anywhere, when in fact I am making progress.

While on the elliptical this morning I was having so much fun working out! The sweat was pouring and I was just loving being alive. I'm climbing out of the depression I had experienced for the past week. I was thinking while on the elliptical about the boyfriend that I had in high school and how I had initially became bulimic because he said he would find me more attractive if I were thinner. I lost 80 lbs for him, not for me, and then subsequently put on 11o lbs after 'recovering'. I enjoyed being thinner, but I really did it to please him. I am owning up to it now, because it was my decision and I am responsible for myself. I blamed him for a long time, but I think life brings us where it does so that we learn, and I have certainly learned from that experience.

Gym shopping / workout posture

yep.. but not in the sense that you think of it. I'm going around town getting one week free at every gym! When one free ride ends I go find another. I'm trying out the yoga class tonight..

I discovered that I go through this deep guilt and depression after going to the mosque and it lasts for days. I agree with some aspects and others.. are just not for me. I feel so imperfect with all of the super religious people, so I will not go back again. I need some sort of spirituality though, that I can feel loved and accepted as an imperfect human being. I really loved yoga, I did, and I am in search of the right class. Yoga has an amazing effect on the body and did wonders for my mind and posture when I practiced it regularly.

Speaking of posture, today's workout was amazing! I realized that I was working out with the wrong posture on the treadmill, and I need to keep my back straight and face forward, swinging my arms in order to get the real workout. Holding that handlebar takes away from the workout completely; I wasn't using my leg muscles! My entire morning was wonderful.. I was so completely silly in class though, I have to regulate myself. But after having 3 shitty days in a row, to have such a light, cheery, crazy and carefree morning was incredible and uplifting.

Peace and Strength

I am still mulling over spirituality and have been very introspective lately, but I have to tell you, I had an incredible experience last night at the mosque. The people I met and the conversations I had have left a lasting impression on me. God bless them. I definitely felt accepted and embraced as part of the community last night and I saw just how strong and close everyone was. Anyway, I don't want to gush...

My digestion is still out of whack. I will spare you the gorey details, but I think healthy digestion is necessary for weight loss, and I'm still working on it naturally. I feel I am being tested at this point by the lack of loss, but I accept my situation. In fact, I embrace it as an opportunity to grow and to be stronger.

Getting down to business

Well Monday I weighed myself after my trip to New York and the scale reflected a seven pound gain. I doubt it's a full 7 lbs and that a portion of it is sodium or whatever, but I am having non scale issues. For example..

• I noticed lately my face is fuller. I can see it and so can my mom.
• Secondly, my size 18 pants are too tight to be comfortable, so I am going to pack them in a bag in my closet, and go back to my 20's and stretch pants.
• I feel fatter when I walk? It might be mental, but I just feel especially blubbery, for lack of a better word. It feels like my ass is wiggling on a sizmic scale
• I'm more self conscious about my body than before too. I know I look better now, but I am also more self critical.

In reality I've been trying to get back on track for the past 10 weeks. Week after week with my 10 percent challenge I would fluctuate within 2 lbs. I try to find the light in this situation, but trust me it's not easy to step on the scale and see the same thing for 8 weeks. Shoot, for some people it lasts 6 months! I can't even begin to imagine. I feel like I have to be perfect in order to have a loss, and perfection isn't feeling so effortless. Shall I go into the excuses? nah, even I don't want to read that. It'd be like listening to a female cat in heat while trying to pull out a splinter.

I've been working more towards a non processed diet again, and on eatin at home. It's cheaper, and I get to work on my cooking skills. Even though eating out or eating prepared foods are easier there are so many unknowns. One of the things that has kept me from eating fast food sucessfully is thinking of the workers spitting in my food. It turns me off immediately- but truthfully, in any prepared dish there is a whole list of unappetizing gunk, and I just want it out of my system.

No Hay Nadie Como Tú

Full schedule this week ahead! Really exciting, I could just dance. It's all good stuff. I'd share, but i'm tired.

Eating wasn't so great this week. Seriously, it wasn't terrible but wasn't good either. This has been my best exercise week though. Cool! ^_^ even though I'm still not getting anywhere scale wise, I feel stronger. The weights are increasing at the gym again.. OH by the way I finally said screw it to the shoulder press machine. Syonara! It was always such a pain and I felt so good to just scratch it out from my to-do list. I never really felt like I got anywhere with it and I would always dread the time on this machine. Why not work on my strengths instead of trying to shape up my weaknesses?

So, I've switched it out for a deltoid machine for now, we'll see how that goes.

Gardenning

I'm completely wiped... I wish I could go on a little longer, but I'm seriously pooped. I think I haven't let myself sleep enough lately.

The yard is looking better and better everyday, my whole family is so happy! I can't wait until it's 'done' and I can have friends over for a BBQ and just to chill. There will be plenty of lawn chairs out there for them all to sit and enjoy it!

You gotta be you!

Who am I? What are my likes and my dislikes? I have to ponder some questions. I wanna know me, love me, and share me with the world. Some people I just watch in admiration because they are just so open with themselves; they haven't any fear of rejection and are so self-assured. Me too, I want to be there. Losing weight doesn't fix this type of stuff, it takes a different type of change.

One of my friends found my videos online and was asking me about them. And then I shared the videos with another friend, but I've realized lately that I'm kind of bad with talking about my weight loss. I have people ask me for advice, and online it's easy. But... in real life is completely different for some reason. I have less time to ponder and I try to answer too quickly. If I were to write an essay about weight loss, what would I write? How can I convey the little wisdom I've developed about the relationship I have with my body accurately, and in a way that will help the person? I don't want to sound like I am advising someone, I want to make them think.

I'm going to New York all next week, can't wait. I love my dog, my family, friends, and my garden.

Sunday.

I kinda went overboard with food this weekend :P Oh well.

Today was gorgeous weather, and the family went out to the german folk festival. It was wonderful, and I am completely exhausted from the whole thing, so I'm just chilling in my room checking my messages, the newspaper, etc..

This WL journey is my journey. I'm owning it. I've got God, myself, and my family, and that's all I need to make it happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYLBrFXs8DY

Laand ho!

I've been in a slump emotionally. It wasn't affecting my eating and exercise that much, but it was just affecting my overall self-view. I have a hard time adjusting to being out of school because I don't have many friends outside of school and youtube. I get lonely.. but this week beginning gardenning has helpd my spirit so, so much. I think it's the vitamin D HAHAHA!!! The sun!! I love it. I feel like rolling around in the grass like a moron. I'm also more action oriented lately. You know, when I get depressed it means something in my life needs tweaking, and the tweaking takes action. I don't always know exactly when needs tweaking but being active definitely clears things up for me tremendously.

My mom and I are going hiking tomorrow, and I am soo thrilled. God willing the weather will be just as gorgeous as it is today.. It usually take me so much effort to get her to do stuff like this, so I am pestering her to get her beauty rest :D

Thanks for the book recommendation Kristy, I am going to go look at it at the bookstore this evening and read a few pages.

This weekend I continue my church shopping with a visit to an antiochian orthodox church. I loved the Russian orthodox cathedrals I saw in Russia, they were.. breathtaking, so the next stop is orthodox christianity. I realized.. I felt lost recently because I wasn't feeling strong in Cristianity or in what I had been brought up in. I didn't take religion seriously, but I think as human beings, we have a deeper need inside for spirituality.

I skipped the mosque today because to be thoroughly honest I believe I am simply infatuated with middle eastern culture and maybe not so much Islam. I mean I like a lot of things about Islam, but others... just don't sit well with me.

It's funny, defining my beliefs hadn't seemed quite so important up until recently, but I need to know, and thus I will continue my spiritual search.

Thursday

I leave in 3 days now. I've barely got my things packed, but they're all in the general vicinity of my suitcase.

I want to take this moment to proclaim that I have the best mom in the entire world. I can talk to her about anything and she knows exactly what to say. Sometimes my most complex problems only take one sentence from her for me to have clarity. I looooove my mom

Lately I have been searching for love, and the way I have been seeking it out is in religion. I go to both a presbyterian church, and a sunni mosque. When I go to the mosque I wear a head scarf, and I say alhamdullilah! I love to dress up for mass on Sundays, and the pastor is hilarious. I feel warmth and god's presence in both of these places, and I am doing a lot of research to see which one fits me.

So basically, my old obsession with exercise and living healthily has been replaced by an obsession with religion. I read the Qur'an and the Bible constantly.

I was on plan yesterday. Except for exercise I was PERFECT! Eating, water.. <3

blah

No one is updating blogspot anymore, it's sad! I feel I'm losing touch with everyone.

10 days till Moscu. I hate packing. I really, really do. I'm excited though. While in Russia it sounds like we'll be eating a lot of fried food. GROSS. It's what they eat though.

two things that are stressing me with this trip:

1) pickpocketting
2) fashion

I'm having trouble adjusting to being out of school again now. I feel really depressed and lonely because I would see my friends all the time there, and now I'm home, and it's just blahh. I find myself just reading and eating this week. I've been active like with cleaning and walking.. gym etc but I'm not as much on-the-go and I really miss that. Eating isn't where I want it yet.. I'll get there, I'm getting better.

10% Challenge.. I am shocked at how many people are participating.. like REALLY. like oh crap now I have to think of a cool prize to give.

food/gym/videos/mosque

hello internet

I just finished eating a salad.. working on getting my eating habits back to healthy choices, so far it's not a huge sucess overall, but one step at a time. I did go to the gym today though, that felt fabulous. It was exactly what I needed! I felt uplifted and just happy the rest of the day. Again, trying to exercise more in anticipation of my trip to Russia. I need to be strong and energetic for the duration, and not putter out halfway through all of the excitement.

Lifting weights is definitely on the horizon again, I need that strength back.

Videos coming soon... I'll have a lot more time after this coming Monday.

On a completely different note, I'm going to a family dinner at a Mosque this Saturday with some international students, and I can't tell you how excited I am about it! I bought a scarf to cover my hair, as requested. I'm going to be able to talk to people from all over the world, so exciting.

jeebus

my spacebar is broken. Nevermind it's not. When I first got on the computer I had to slam down on it in order to get a space but it seems to have fixed itself. I had such a great mother's day, and I'm ready to get my last papers written, and be done with this semester. The only thing is I've got to focus on my weight a little more. Last week out of nowhere I gained 6 lbs. In one week! How is that posible, I'm not sure, but I want to fix it before it turns into 10 lbs.

Yes, it is time for me to get my act together. Not just in terms of poundage, but this past weekend, I was in New York for 2 days. I was exhausted by day two!! This is what not exercising does to me. I can't afford to be tired in Russia, so I need to exercise a lot in order to have enough energy for the entire trip.

ok, I have a paper to write and an online exam to complete, so I ill write more later.

Last week of classes

Words just fail me at a time like this.

The closest I can come to express how I feel right now is sentimental. Everything is hitting me all at once right now and it's very overwhelming. I'm trying very hard not to cry. This semester, I feel firmly that I have a place in this world, and that I know how I am going to refine ME to help humankind. More than that, I've connected with a lot of people who I know are in my life for a reason. People who I am positive I was meant to meet. It's an incredible experience, and in a unique atmosphere like the one at this school, I am only more excited for what this next year is going to bring. I've been shown a few more mirrors this semester through the people I've interacted with, and I'm liking what I see reflected back at me. I'm growing. I have a better sense of me. I know that I am emerging as a leader. I expect next semester to be doing a lot more public speaking outside of the classroom, and to hold leadership roles in school.

I'm sorry if that's confusing, and that this blog is becoming so much more than weight loss, but the truth is that I am more than my weight, and right now.. losing weight just isn't important to me. Maintaining or slow weight loss is all I want right now.

Thursday & anticipation!

This week at school is African week, and everyday is a different event related to Africa. I can't tell you how much more enriched I feel through this event... yesterday I finally had an understanding for Darfur. I cried. The whole room felt the pain of the Sudanese. The day before I saw how decolonialization was affecting Africa, and why their economy is so poor and dependent on other countries. Today, we are having some dancers from Congo, and I am soo excited for that. My friend Ongala is going to sit with me and tell me about his dance experience. He used to be a traditional dancer in Kenya, and he's one of my closer friends right now in college.

Also, yesterday I was giving blood to the blood bank and the strangest thing happened. I was at about a pint of blood when everything started to go black. I was dizzy, lightheaded, weak, couldn't think.. Then out of nowhere 6 nurses crowded around me and threw ice on me. They made my chair horizontal, and had my head be lower than the rest of my body. I wasn't allowed to leave for some time after that until my blood pressure returned to normal. That's the second time I almost passed out. It's kind of frightening because I didn't know what was going on.

hmm.. my date with Amir is today. excited? a bit. It's also Nabil's birthday, so I have to get him a present! Oh something at Barnes & Noble. He's very religious and I'm not sure what to get him. Maybe a nice journal

I was supposed to weigh myself today but I completely forgot! I was at the computer when I remembered with a mango shake in my hand.. aww crap. tomorrow!

Oh.. also my brother is going to Otakon this year I think it's in July? I saw a wig in his room. Oh god. I can't wait to see the pictures :)

88 degrees

yup. That's how hot it was today. PA is not known for jumping right into summer heat, but it was kind of nice to wear just a thin short sleeve shirt. The dog and I went to the park. He swam in the river and I just walked around.

part 1 of giantic research paper down, 3 parts to go >.>

Yesterday I went to New Jersey with the honors society in my school, and we cleaned up a beach. We collected around 15 lbs worth of bottle caps, straws, plastics etc. Some of our most notable finds were a used condom and a syringe. It was cool to spend an entire day with some of the other members and have interesting conversations in the car. I'd do it again.

tomorrow I send out my application for the visa to visit Russia. Another $190 right there, and then I still have to buy the plane ticket. I'm going to learn about the itinerary for the trip and more cultural things.

weigh in and spring walks

This week has been pretty decent compared to other weeks. I went to the gym 3 days, not counting today and have been better about water. I'm not counting calories, it just doesn't feel like what I want to do right now. Counting calories had begun to stress me out again

This morning I was 198.4 which is down 1.6 from last week.

Outside is GORGEOUS!! Holy mole, I am just loving the afternoon walk. It's so good for my soul to breathe in the fresh air and admire everything in bloom.

Tuesday

I am kind of tired of schoolwork. I know some of you can feel me on this! I want to go to Russia now! :( I think it's the weather. I don't like rainy days like I used to, now I'm all about the sunshine. Today is rainy and gloomy just like yesterday.

I'm trying to memorize some basic Russian words and phrases. It's completely different than english and I have a hard time making some of the sounds, even slowly. Youtube is great for that because there are free tutorial videos on there


Здравствуйте
(Zdrastvooyte)
Hello

Доброе утро
(DObraye Utra)
Good morning


Добрый день
(DObriy DYEN)
Good afternoon

Спасибо
(SpaSEEba)
Thank you

Как Вас зовут?
(KAK vas zaVOOT?)
What is your name?

Меня зовут...
(meenya zaVOOT)
My name is...

Also, sorry for not logging in to youtube, I'm enjoying feeling disconnected from all of it right now. I'm going to let it go for a little while

Staying accountable

So, I decided that since I'm still not back to going to the gym :$ and have been eating whatever (not excessively) I would weigh myself today to get a reality check. I looked at pictures of myself from last weekend and I was positive I had gained weight. I step on the scale this morning and it says 200.0

Not exactly the kick in the arse I was expecting, but I'll take it.

Life's been so good otherwise. I love school. Today I have a bake sale, so I'm still at home baking. My house smells so yummy :) After that, there's an info session on the trip to Russia. Lauren and I are ecstatic that we're going together. I don't know.. it's like, we can just be real and sarcastic around each other. I love it.
Next semester I'm going to run for Vice President of the Social Work club, because to be honest I'm more of an active member than some of the club officers right now, and I think I can work well with groups as well, and Iwant to practice my leadership skills.

The presentation went well. I was put on the spot quite a bit with questions, but I survived.

Also, I have a crush on someone. He's very handsome and smart, I think he's interested in me too, but I'm hoping it dissolves soon so that I can stop thinking about him already.

How I got my name, and why Moscow is calling me

I don't believe I ever shared this before, but I was named after this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_c_d7IzlKE

This trip was meant to be!

How I spell summer

M-O-S-C-O-W. That's right baby, I'm going to Russia and possibly El Salvador. I am so freaking excited!

Lauren and I are going to Moscow together along with some other students for about a week. We're going to drink vodka and dance the crab dance!!! See the Czar's palace

Group 5

I've had the best week ever. I mean.. I didn't exercise all that much, and didn't pay attention to my diet, but.. I'm just so happy. You see, I'm in this group for my American National government class. In the beginning, we didn't get along very well. In fact, I had a heated argument with one of my team members a few weeks ago. But everything just flipped totally around after that, and.. I love them. Honestly, yes! I do! We've worked and worked on this project all weekend, and I just developed these beautiful friendships with all of them. I just hope I don't lose them after we present tomorrow. If we drift apart, that's ok and it was meant to happen. But... I'm really going to miss working with these guys

This is Nabil and I. He is very sweet and smart, one of two Egyptian Cristians I have met. He is an international student, his first language is Arabic, and he showed me how to write my name. Today, he gave me a beautiful painting on papyrus. Maybe one day I will be able to travel to Egypt and he can be my tour guide.

Muhammad is from Pakistan. We always joke that he is the pimp of the group. He's calm, and silly - just a nice guy to talk to and be around. And Lauren, oh we certainly got off on the wrong foot. But since then.. we've just clicked. I know she understands certain parts of me that I can't put into words and vice versa. This summer, we want to travel to Moscow together with the school. I am keeping my fingers crossed that the funds will be available, because I know it would be the trip of a lifetime!!!

We present tomorrow. We've practiced and practiced. I am excited and nervous.

<3

4/9/09

Good morning!

It was hard not to weigh this morning, but I didn't. I'm still working on getting out the door at the moment and getting to school. I will most likely be there all day today, then come home tonight and crash.

Next Monday I'm giving a presentation on Social Work and the economy. The audience is 75% international students, some of whom come from countries where women are inferior to men, so some of the things I will talk about may not even be seen as issues in those countries. I am nervous, but excited because I've done a lot of research on domestic violence and child abuse this semester.

Battle with my Impulses

Basically, I suck. I'm having a very hard time gaining control again, and I hate to admit that. The past few days have been an improvement from the weekend, but I'm still not quite there.

You see, on the weekend I was eating whatever whenever. It's just a really tough thing to get over and get back to what I've been doing. I'm cranky, depressed, moody, and overall just not a pleasure to deal with at the moment. I'm not taking things in stride, and I can't wait to get over it.

-I jogged for 10 minutes yesterday, and today didn't exercise at all

-Not really drinking water

-Eating too many calories

-Freaking out

Ok, so I'm having "self control issues", If someone hands me a slice of pizza, I'm going to eat it without thinking. This was my undoing several years ago. I don't want it to happen again. I'm not getting to the gym at my normal times, and this began last week. I was late repeatedly and coach Smith kept mentioning it to me. I don't have that fire at the moment and it's driving me nuts.

Something I've noticed is that I eat way too many calories for breakfast. By the time it's 10 AM I've had 1,000 calories which I think is far too many. Then, later on in the day I don't have any left and just eat. They need to be more spread out, and as much as I hate carrying food to school, I want to begin doing that again.

...help... :*(

4/6/09

Life was crap last week, and I'm so glad it's over temporarily. Non weight loss stuff I don't feel like talking about. I've had a week and a half of no dieting. Exercise, yes. That hasn't been a problem. I just felt horrible. I went to a party and all the pictures of me look awful. I stepped on the scale on Thursday and I was up 4 lbs. It just kind of makes me feel like 'why do I bother?' I was numbed out on the weekend. I stayed at my friend's house and we ate chinese all weekend. I'm talking we stocked the fridge with boxes and boxes of takeout and just went through it. She is a glutton too, probably more than I, but it never fails to bring out the glutton in me who can eat more food in one sitting than a 6'5" basketball player. Sunday sucked. I was so depressed, had a stomach ache from all the greasy food, low on energy, emotional.

Today, I've started out right. I knew Friday that the weekend would be tough, so I just let it go and I knew that I would start again fresh today.

So, this is where I am. My mom got me some juices because I explained to her that I ate too much greasy stuff and it's just screwing with my digestion. I'm taking it easy.

I'm staying away from the scale for a while, I definitely need to take a break again. The next time I weigh will be in May for my body fat test.

Also, If you follow my youtube channel, I want to take a break from youtube too. It's a combination of me not wanting to talk to a camera right now or be seen, and all the drama/negativity/making problems out of nothing that I see in people's videos. It's annoying me, which I think is a sign that I am logging in too often.

I will still watch Ariana's weekly videos, and those of you who follow my blog, but I'm going to make an attempt to stop logging in daily.

Oh also.. lol..
Someone was using my camera last week to flip through the photos we had just taken, and started playing a video of me talking to the camera. How embarrassing! Seriously you don't want that happening to you! How do you explain that? I was just like NOOO KILL IT!! and then I died a little inside

The weight loss gods didn't smite me!

Slowly but surely, I have arrived at my short term goal.

I'm a sneeze away from being back in the 200's, so Nat is going to be extra good this weekend! :D

Weird Fruit Haul

FREE? I'm there.

They had Pummelos, kiwiberries, pomegranates, uglifruits, cherimoyas, blood oranges, kumquats, and fruit punch.

I'm not sure I was supposed to take armfuls of fruit but I went bonkers.

boo yah!

Cherimoya. None of them were ripe yet, so we've got to wait a couple of days

Pummelos! So crunchy! It was hilarious carrying them out of the room because they're so huge, but I am the broke starving student (or at least I play the part well) so the staff left me alone. lol

Kumquats. I ate so many of them that my lips went numb. Pretty acidic, I eat the whole thing. The bitter center doesn't bother me, or the seeds ;P

This is what I had seen at the supermarket for $4. I was curious but not willing to spend that kind of money, so this event was perfect! I got to try them

The most delightful part about the kiwi berry is the blush color. You can eat them whole, but trust me - go for a regular kiwi. The regular ones are cheaper and sweeter. Don't be taken in by the novelty of kiwi BERRY. It's just a small hairless kiwi

When I dumped round 2 of fruit in the car I seriously considered changing my shirt and putting on a hat to go back in and get more fruit. In the end, I decided to leave fruit for the staff who probably weren't allowed to grab until the students had their fill. My school Rocks!!

right before class

So, given that I partied like a fiend on the weekend, I doubt this is the week too. I will weigh in here tomorrow morning anyway and we'll see what the damage is.

In the meantime, this is c25k week 8 which means 28 minutes of jogging. By the end of next week I will be finished with the program, and then I want to jog for distance and speed. I'd like to go for the full 3.2 miles, but I also want to increase my footspeed at the same time. Since I go at about 3.8 (slow, I know) maybe I should continue jogging for 30 minutes, but do 1 minute at 4.0, then 2 minutes at 3.8 and just alternate the entire time. Over 3 weeks, I'll be slowly progressing to a faster pace. I don't want to spend more than 30 minutes on the treadmill, it might feel boring or drawn out. I do miss alternating speeds though.. it was kind of fun to go faster and slower.. I don't know I just enjoyed that part of the program rather than where I am now, going at the same speed for 28 minutes. It was more satisfying.

Winky guy is hilarious. I should tell you he has a name, Steven. Today he was like PUSH IT GIRL!! PUSH IT! XD omg so funny

Today is 'Weird Fruit Day' at school, So they're serving up some free fruit! The only thing they have that I haven't tried is the kiwi berry. I saw them in the supermarket, and they're $4 for a pint! And they look like small hairless kiwis, it's royal failure for them to be so expensive. The other stuff isn't really exotic.. they're going to have pomegranate, pumelo, Ugli fruit, cherimoya (yay), and something else.. I forgot. But at least it's free and I haven't had cherimoya since last summer. I got bored with them, and tired of spending $8 on just one.

peace

Binge/Spring break wrap up

I was watching one of thesiegster's videos today, where he says to post thoughts during, before, or after a binge, and so I am going to write about lunch today.

We went to this Indian restaurant in a neighboring town - a restaurant we only visit for birthdays. It's a buffet, which is already a recipe for disaster. Afterward, my stomach hurt. I felt so full and bloated. I feel awful since then and still now, 7 hours later. What a disaster. Sure, I'm going to forgive myself for stuffing my body like that, but I feel depressed right now and I just want to document that I am not immune. I still have these binge issues, like a sleeping volcano they erupt every so often. I fool myself into thinking I am over it and then they hit me. Birthdays seem to be a trigger. I love indian food, and I know I don't get it very often. I feel full after the first serving, but I always go back for 2 more, and then I am in pain.

The night before that, we had a great dinner.. salad, salmon, pasta.. accompanied by desserts galore. After everyone left the table I had a couple more servings of high calorie, high fat gloriousness. I always hang back after people walk away to tend to the dishes or to socialize on the couch, eyeing up all the desserts. Writing about it makes me feel like.. hjsdhfiuwbg.

Tonight, I ate a big piece of salmon, and while I was eating it I thought to myself "If I don't eat it now, it will be tempting me all week and I don't know how to calculate the calories in it". My weekends are a lot less strict than the weekdays. On weekdays I am on the weekly exercise plan along with being in school where I am way too busy to think about food. I get up in the morning and log in all the food I plan on eating until I get home. Then, I pack a lunch and snacks, and eat as I get hungry.

I did go for a morning jog yesterday, it was lovely. I love sunny days. Today was rather gloomy, so I did some mall walking in the afternoon after lunch. It helped with the stomach ache I had. I was pretty low on energy the rest of the day.

I go back to classes tomorrow. Goodbye, spring break 09'. I didn't go anywhere fancy like my friends did, but I did enjoy the staycation I had at home with the house to myself. I finished a book, worked out, enjoyed my family's birthdays, and got some household things in order.

Weekend plan

The gym is closed this Saturday -.- so, I've decided to try jogging outside again. Tomorrow morning in the park. 2 miles. It's going to be amazing.

I didn't film yesterday in the gym or today. I just felt lazy, plus it's exactly like what I would have filmed the other days. Myself jogging or talking in the mirror. Booooring. But yesterday I was on the elliptical for 1 hour, and today was the last day of c25k week 7. From here on out jogging will be 30+ minutes. Coach Smith hasn't allowed me to live down filming myself in public :P I told him about my online vlogging and my mission.

Alright I have a lot of cleaning to do for this weekend. I may post one last video tonight until the end of the month

Birthdays

Today is my dad's birthday, and earlier this week was my aunt's birthday. I just remembered she's coming over this weekend, which means food galore. Whenever she comes over I give myself a 'free' weekend, and just make good choices, so I may or may not be 199 next week. I'm ok with that.

Are you annoyed that I'm not more focused or driven on making this goal? I mean, I am focused and driven. Look at my gym vlogs. I'm not just kicking butt this week, those vlogs are showing a normal week for me. I don't miss a beat. But I won't DIE if I don't make it immediately.

My dad just came home and is recounting the lunch his students made for his birthday. A detailed recounting.. lol he's such a foodie.

So tonight is Ruby Tuesdays.. they make good Amaretto Sours :d

I may go to the gym one extra day this week just to bump up my calories out. Saturday is the day my aunt comes, and we always go out to a nice dinner, so Saturday morning is a likely candidate for an hour on the elliptical. You know what I like watching on the tele while I'm working out? That dance crew show on MTV. I like looking at their bodies in action. Their muscular, glistening... sweaty... robust.. uhh yeh. Inspiration etc.

Also, there was an account on youtube that had taken one of my videos and reuploaded it with ads on it and I got several messages from friends telling me about it. Has that ever happened to you?

lolerland

{Edit: The picture is really dark isn't it? It says 200.2}

Is that a fucking tease or what?? lol. I'm actually not dissappointed at all like I thought I may be. This just isn't the week it happens.

This next week I am going to increase my calories. On the days that I work out, 2,000. On the days that I don't, 1,700. The fitness center director lady and I had a chat, and I'd like to try it to see where it takes me.

I'm either going hiking or out to a bar tonight. My friend Adriana just turned 21. It just depends on how much daylight is left after she gets out of work.

Aaaaand crap. I forgot today is my dad's birthday. I've got to get him a present

Tuesday

sup? HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!! There's no way in hell I'm going out for a beer before this week's weigh in. More 'Gettin' it done' vlogs to come. The story behind 'Gettin' it done':

The winky guy at the gym and I are friends now. His name is Steven. We're both kind of overenthusiastic about exercising. We're there early in the morning and can always count on seeing the other one there. Other people come and go, lose their drive. It's what we say when we greet each other.

"You gettin' it done?"

"Yeah, I'm gettin' it done."

"LET'S GET IT DONE."

It's just the theme of spring break I suppose. Says it all in 3 words. I'm doing what I need to do, and I'm ready to weigh in this week, but I will be a smidgen dissappointed if I'm not there. I'm preparing myself. It's a bit of a stressful weigh in, you know? I want 199!!! I'm doing everything perfectly. I need to lose at least 1.2 from last week to see the number I want. Let me review the positives ahead of time:

-I can jog 25 minutes straight, and I feel amazing after I'm done.

-I feel alive when I sweat

-I eat really well

-Spring is coming, and I'm enjoying the 50 degree weather

-I'm carrying A's in all of my classes

-I've got the cutest dog in the world

-I got organic pears for the price of regular pears this week. Boo-yah!

-I've got head sized boobs. kinda.

-It's a sunny day outside. I'm going for a walk :D

Closer...

You will know before Youtube does.

I haven't been less than 200 lbs in 5 years...

Hi peeps!

I weigh in tomorrow and I expect it to be good. The reason I stop weighing in was because my weight was screwing with my mind, and lordy knows I didn't need that for some time. I took a 16 day break, and am pleased with it. And although I had planned on not weighing in for the entire month of March, I'm finding that I don't need to be staying away from the scale right now. I'm not stressing, I'm enjoying what I'm doing, and.. yeah just happy! I've got to know my mind, and do what feels right for me.

I ran 25 minutes today, so I believe I start on week 7 of C25K this Friday. I timed my running too - roughly a 16 minute mile. A bit below that but I rounded up to 16. I don't know if that sounds slow or fast, probably slow ;P but I'm looking at the prospect of cutting down the time once I am finished with the program. Oprah at the time of her first marathon was running a 9 milute mile, which I'm guessing is fast.

So, I work out early in the morning. I get up at 5 AM and get to the gym between 6 and 7. It works with my personality, I am an early riser and disciplined (when I want to be ;D). The cute guy at the gym has taken to winking at me. lol!! wtf? Every morning we're there. We get it done. "It" being working out and FEELING THE BURN. feel the burn. I nearly turn super saiyan when I am on the weights

ahh gad before my blog takes a weird direction hahaa.. Listen! Next week is Spring break, and I will make a video! I want to show you the gym where I work out

Old memories

I was in the basement digging out old clothes today, trying to find some clothes from last spring that are still wearable, and I found a lot of clothes I forgot I had. Gothic/art clothes that I hadn't worn since high school, or since I began college. In my senior year I was wearing a grunge/ragdoll style. Safety pinned, torn, striped stockings, black boots. I don't think I would go out in public in those clothes again, but I still like looking at them and remember the feeling of wearing them. All of the stuff I used to do, and the good times. It was a happy place in my life in terms of the friendships I had, and I noticed since then that I feel so very disconnected with the rest of the world. I mean I have friends, but not like the ones I had in high school. We had a really strong bond and great chemistry. We've all gone our separate ways and things turned sour. The dynamics changed after I began going to college, and we all moved in different directions. None of them went to college, and this caused some strain between us. I couldn't hang out everyday like we used to. I slowly lost my dark sense of humor and feelings of misanthropy, and blossomed into someone else.

I saw one of them about a year ago at a concert and it was really weird. She had been using coccaine and you could tell how it affected her in the way she talked. It was sad and strange.

The others, one of them works full time in a hardware store. And my old best friend is convinced that he's going to spend the rest of his life in a convenience store, and is fascinated with organized crime.

My best girl friend has drifted off and I don't know what has become of her. People used to think we were gay because we were always embracing. We were just close. She was kicked out of her home when she turned 18 and has been going from job to job since. I saw yesterday that she had tried to call my cell phone so I called her back and got the machine.

I don't regret having let them go because I believe in keeping positive people in your life, but I also don't like feeling out of touch. I think thats why I immerse myself into school and school activities.

But anyway, thats just what I had floating in my mind.

March 4th 2009

I ran for 20 minutes. :D Holy shiot! I ran 1 mile today! I don't know my exact minutes per mile, but I do know I ran 1+ miles

ok so other than that fantastic victory today.. my weigh ins used to be Thursday. At the moment I'm really feeling like I want to weigh in tomorrow. I don't think it'll do me good. I ate more over the weekend, and I haven't been sticking to 1700 or so calories.

At night I am ravenous. Hot tea just isn't cutting it, so I've just been feeding my body. Its asking isn't it? I think I do a lot of exercise. Not as much as Sars, but compared to other people, I am very consistent, and I work hard. I enjoy it. this is how I've been justifying the snacking in the evening. When I run and lift weights, 3 days a week, I don't know how many calories I burn. I assume its less than 500, and just eat as much food as I need to maintain my weight ...ideally. The other two days I sped 1 hour on the eliptical, and I burn between 700 and 800 calories, some of which I replace.

I want to be liberated from the scale, but Its horribly tempting for me to weigh in tomorrow. Should I put water right by my bed so that I take a swig as soon as I open my eyes? Should I just weigh in? What if its bad? It'll drive me insane. Is that what I need?

[edit] I did weigh in, and I was 203. Not bad, I'm actually happy with that.

TGIF

I'll tell you, I am so entertained by running that the time I spend on the treadmill seems to fly by. I'm not finding this week difficult at all.. Even though I'm increasing my foot speed, I'm not stressing out my body. I keep my heart rate below 80% of my max. I love it.
I've changed my eating plan but I don't want to discuss it. It's top secret info. ;)

I feel so liberated from the scale. Happy, gorgeous and sexy! I'm just enjoying the gym and the people I talk to in there. I know it's been only one week, but I guarantee you I will be reluctant to weigh myself come next Saturday.

Most of the time when I'm in school I keep to myself, but today I ventured out to make conversation with people I don't normally talk to, like my neighbors in classes. It was.. entertaining? I spoke to 2 wackos, and lots of other people. The club I belong to is doing a mock of American Idol, and I was the door person. I saw so many people I know and people from last semester. I've got a lunch date for next week :D I'm just happy today!

My aunt is coming over this weekend, and I love seeing her. She is a Social Worker, so I always have questions about the field and regulations. We speak in spanish a lot. I noticed since i'm not in that Spanish class any longer that I'm losing my ability to make spontaneous conversation, and to express myself.. Well, not losing it, but I'm not as ready to just jump into conversing. This makes me exponentially sad, but my friend Giancarlo says he's going to talk to me in Spanish in the hallways. He's the club president, and a student from Peru.

but back to weight loss.. I just like not working for a numerical reward. I'm just enjoying how accomplished I feel working out, and the energy I get from it. At 9 AM everyone else is trying to wake up and I've already burned 700 calories or so. I'm ready to take the world on.

The Bookends

Alright, not really weight loss related. Life related. In my Life Span development class I sit in between these two guys. The one on the right is dopey and tries to use complex vocabulary to make himself sound smart, but usually gets lost halfway between explaining his idea and just trails off. The one on the left? just whoa. WHOA. what? He talks extremely fast and raises his hand all the time to say the most asanine shit. Needless to say they are an endless source of entertainment, and don't seem to be phased by anything. And before class they want to CHAT with me about the lectures or just random shit depending on whether its the left or the right. I read the paper before class. You would think that to be a signal that I'm not available to chat, but no. The other day we were talking about what 'overweight' means and so lefty raises his hand.. I'm sitting there wondering what stroke of genius he's going to bestow on us. He says "If you can pinch an inch, you are overweight." To which our thin blonde professor responds "From where? Because in my ass I can pinch a lot of inches" I just died laughing. Then the one on the right goes "what are your sources?" Lefty says "That information cannot be disclosed at this time." and then random old guy in the back says "A Kellog's Special K commercial"

... yeah probably not as funny to read as it was to be there. I <3 college.

Anyway.. I'm loving the no weigh in this week. Though I'm surprised how many times I've already had to remind myself that there will be no weigh in. Makes me think about how much I think of the scale. Also, I noticed lately in the gym that I'm looking nice and curvy. I used to laugh to myself at the guys who are there to lift weights but constantly check themselves out in the mirror after doing like.. 2 reps. But.. I like checking me out in the mirror too!! I'm pretty sure I'm turning heads. I can see it in my peripheral vision. I like it :) Just as long as they don't try to talk to me I'm good. And not in a conceited way, just that it's akward and I really don't know what to say.

Also. Hot guy in the gym. Nice smile. A little older than the rest of the students, always says hello to me. Nice looking mantoy. Me likey. More reason to get there at 6 am.

There's this kid Brandon in one of the clubs I joined who says he's going to be in the gym tomorrow morning. I better see him! It would be nice to have a workout partner.

Pre weigh in thoughts

Since Friday I don't think I stepped on the scale. Or maybe I did on Saturday.. but the rest of the days I have resisted. It's not good for my head. I should feel happy and proud for working out so hard and eating good food without a reward of a drop in the scale. I never want to be as heavy as I used to be. The scale may fluctuate, but I am too active now to ever be 272 lbs again. I will never be that tired. I won't get light headed after climbing 5 steps. The little victories.. they mean more. I have to keep them in the front of my mind.

It's insanely warm today.. 60 something degrees! Everyone on campus is in t-shirts and thrilled. The temperature will drop back starting tomorrow, but for now it's a gorgeous sunny day accompanied by warmth. How could one not be uplifted by that?

The rest I will talk about in my next video. I have no clue what the scale will say tomorrow. I didn't do weight training this week. I'm just so pressed for time it seems, and I still need to complete one last session of c25k to be done with week 2. I think I will do it this afternoon just so I can start on week 3 tomorrow. Scary!

I stepped on it this morning and it said 207.8.......... come on! That's almost 2 lbs heavier than yesterday? worked out like a fiend yesterday, and the past week. I'm really trying to remain positive and give myself the logical self talk, but I'm feeling like I knew the path and could clearly see it in front of me and now I'm in this fog. I feel disoriented. Zurple said to throw my scale away. I wish I could. I'm afraid that without it I will blow up. I'm focusing wayyyyy to much on weight loss right now. I'm obsessed - there you go. What I really want is fat loss, but I can't have body composition tests done everyday! I'm going mad! I don't know exactly what these little fluctuations mean, it's driving me insane. From the outside I would know what to say to someone else in this spot. That weight isn't what matters. Fat loss is. I'm doing what I need to be doing, why am I going in the "wrong direction"? What's with this emotional attachment to the number? this isn't who I was in the beginning. I feel dull, and caught up in my self. And lots of other emotions. And I'm going out for chinese tonight with my family. Tomorrow, the scale would tell me I weigh even more, but I know I don't need that right now. up and down and arouuuund we go. I just re read that. I'm craaazy. needed an outlet. Thanks for reading.

EDIT: that's not even readable is it?

I am exhausted

This has been the first week of couch to 5k. On top of that, I was lifting heavy weights and sometimes getting in an extra afternoon cardio workout in. I worked out 5 days this past week. I ate well. Then why do I gain 2 pounds? As of Tuesday when I had a body composition analysis done, I had lost a pound. Two days later on official weigh in day my weigh has jumped up 3 lbs. If I had eaten a whole pizza I'd know exactly where I went wrong, but instead I have no clue what happened. I'm reeeeeally tired of my weight bouncing around. Am I not supposed to be below 200 lbs? I know its probably muscle or water. It's about weighing less than 200 lbs. It's the magic number, that's why I feel disheartenned. I'm not about to stop lifting weights though. I learned my lesson last semester related to that.

week 2 of couch to 5k begins tomorrow, Friday. I need running shoes because after each session I have pain in my knees. I also want a pair of gloves for lifting weights, sometimes I have pain in my wrists after I am done. More on the weights, I keep seeing the weight increasing, which is awesome. I'm no longer lifting 10 lbs on anything like I was when I started.

I just went downstairs and my dad says that my pants are looking really loose. Makes me feel good after a gain. I know there are changes going on.

I may post a video. We'll see.

I will not weigh myself everyday. I will stop weighing myself everyday. I will weigh once a week. I will be less than 200 lbs soon. No more head games. I'll get there. Patience. Peace.

It's so good to be back in school :)

I haven't been in a gym since December and today was my first day back. Over the break I bought a new pair of much needed workout pants, because my other ones were just really big and getting worn out. It's the little things like a new pair of nice looking pants from an actual fitness/ sports outlet (I can fit in those clothes now!) that keep me happy and motivated.

During the break I gained 4 lbs and then lost them, so that's a maintain which is really good, however, today I realized I have fallen back in another aspect. I had made cardiovascular fitness gains before and have pretty much lost them or at least it seems so.

I always worked out at 80%/ High Intensity

Before break: My speed was 3.5 and the Incline was 11.0

Today: My speed was 3.0 and the Incline was 4.0

So at both of these, my heart rate is the same. I hope I'm making sense.

This semester I am actually going to start a Small circuit on the weigh machines, seeing as I had lost half fat and half fat free mass in 3 months last time. This semester I want to gain muscle and lose fat, hopefully keeping my fat free mass where it is currently.

I'm adding all sorts of little things to keep me motivated - another chart, different recipes, more music to the ipod (I really love fast paced music and pop songs for working out)

Ok, so as it looks right now, I am going to work out 5x a week (M-F), 30 minutes of cardio each day, and 3x a week weight training (M-W-F). The little guide I got for it says to leave 48 hours in between each session but no more than 96. It also says not to lift weights until the muscles are warm so I will do the cardio first and then get on the machines.

Today I'm going to meet another youtuber. We've been meaning to meet for some time now but with school and her work schedule it just wasn't happening. Her YT ID is wtharetheydoing; Fran. She has been a support to me since I began youtube and I am thrilled to meet her! We're going to a place near Philadelphia, and it's my first time driving out there. I am nervous about it, but I also have the GPS with me, so I can't get lost :D

I think because we chatted in stickam a lot and over the phone I am not nervous about meeting her at all.

Also, bra shopping! Yay! I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be the same size today that I was in the summer. I don't have enough bras and that is becoming a problem.

Weigh in 1/15/09

School starts Tuesday, and it's a mix of yay/ugh for me. Yay for the gym, for learning, and for feeling like I have more of a purpose. Ugh for the stress

I'm sick and I don't feel like making a video right now. Today is weigh in day. In the city, I ate lots of great food. I had.. Thai, Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Colombian, and I don't remember what else. I didn't stuff myself other than once, I walked a lot and didn't drink much more than 4 glasses of water a day, usually in the wee hours. I hate public restrooms and this is why. I expected a gain but instead woke up to a loss of 1 lb. Very cool.

I'm ready for school, and for killing it at the gym again.

My weight as of this morning is 206.6 lbs

bai