10/7/08

Well, I suppose this is the blog accompanying my latest video. I feel alright today. Yeah. I met this girl Becca in my fitness class who has lost about the same amount as I, and I am so glad we found each other, because I love talking to people who are interested in weight loss and fitness. She has been on a plateau for the past 3 months and is working to get off of it. I validated her and I said that it must be hard. I may be on a plateau one day so I have a lot of respect for people who are on them and don't give up. But yes, anyway, she wants to be a female body builder which I think is pretty hot. She'll get off of that plateau, I've seen how she works. The little engine that could

There's something else I wanted to write about because I've never really processed it. How did I go from where I was mentally at 272 to now? It was weird. How to put this into words.. For a long time everyone was on my case about my weight. The doctor would bombard me with pamphlets every time I went in for a non weight related visit. That fucking bitch I still hate her oligarchic guts.

My mom would hide food from me, and that hurt. Not because I was out of control but because I felt that if I wanted to lose weight I would do it when I was ready. I wasn't ready for a few years. During those few years some things happened that were signaling me and that I dismissed because I didn't want to start losing weight for other people's satisfaction. Pain in my ankles when walking. Sleeping late in the morning. headaches. Being rejected at a ride in the amusement park. breaking a chair. Barely being able to fit in the airplane seat. And having my best friend tell me I looked like the heart attack kind of fat.

I had adapted this attitude when I was at my heaviest, that I'm here, I'm big, and deal with me. When I was rejected from the park ride I was completely mortified, embarrassed, and also angry that they didn't make bigger seats. I've never been able to admit to myself that it was a defense mechanism, that instead of being broken hearted I was a self righteous uhm... person.. to a lot of people. And hey, sometimes it's really none of their business. I'm crazy, and sorry that I had to write this, I just need to know if anyone else can relate to me.

So now that I'm here and I'm realizing how immense it is to work through all the weight I had gained, I can't believe how far I had let things go. I didn't care about myself like I do now, and if you asked me at the time I would have told you that I loved myself. But loving myself entails keeping promises to myself, and doing things that will help me feel better, like exercising and getting that blood moving. Putting good food in my body. Making my bed every morning. Keeping a neat room. Doing schoolwork. I deserve to feel great, go on rides, not break chairs, run up stairs & jump in the air, get A's. If I didn't love myself how would I recognize someone else who loves & respects me?