Today was wonderful. I was so busy it felt like two days. Busy, busy, busy... but I love it. I love being so busy that I forget everything, and am just doing, and concentrating. I made so many new friends today.. not only within the Hispanic american culture club, but outside too, and I loved it. I must have walked 11 miles in the same building.

Great start this week! I am so on this. You watch, I'll be crossing that 215 line in the very near future.

So I'm still toying with the idea of being under 200 by 2009. It does seem daunting, but it would be wonderful to start the new year in onederland! If you've made it into onederland you probably remember how great it felt! You know I never thought I would see myself here again? It's crazy!

alright I've created a bar graph to keep track of my weekly weight, as well as new index cards for writing down what I'm eating. I'm considering going back to counting calories, even though it won't last long.

I'm meeting with my fitness instructor today to discuss the prospect of being in onederland by New Year's day, and we're going to create a game plan together.

drink that water!

I believe it is my second video in which I announced my love of exotic fruit. I do! Today I bought 3 pounds of fresh dates and a cactus pear, both of which are delicious. The dates I have not had in about a year and I've been stuffing my face with them all afternoon ..hum.. :)

Ok so.. I made four videos this week but only posted one, because two were emotional and the one I recorded today is going with the pow wow footage tomorrow. I'm on edge. I've been making too many videos because I am so stressed out with school. I'm not focusing on what I need to do, my productivity level is suffering, and I need to get back on this thing immediately. When I get really stressed out, 2 things happen. I break out with acne, which you can see on my right cheek in my most recent videos. I wash my face just as I was in the summer, but it just won't go away. And I also mentally just check out and indulge in distractions like the internet, movies, cleaning, whatever. my weight loss isn't suffering but my schoolwork is which is really more of a priority.

At the same time, I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks, or just gone out to do something fun. I think I'm long overdue for a fun outing.

You know, I thrive on structure. Yesterday and today were 'fall break' and in terms of activity without school I don't do nearly as much exercise, and not doing as much entails the blahs. I must learn to create structure for myself, because during the winter break and summer I won't have a gym, unless I take an accelerated winter course and summer classes.

Anatomy blows.

Thursday, I have an on-site Anthropology observation at the mall at 8:30 AM. Everyone in that group can thing of oh.. 6 other things they would rather be doing at that time than scoping out what kind of idiot goes to the mall at 8:30 in the morning and barfing up a presentation about it.

Here's a juicy tidbit for you. In one of my classes, I'm in this group of wonderful people, my favorite group ever. And in this group there is this man whom I have a crush on. I am not an aggressive female, but sometimes I feel transparent, like it's horribly easy to tell with me how I feel about a man. The stupidest things fly out of my mouth because I say whatever comes to mind in this particular group, we've all got chemistry. An example, the professor asks us to look at the person next to us and imagine imitating them for one day. So he comments about how he would have to get a few piercings. And you know what I say? 'I don't have any that you don't see, by the way.' The girl sitting caddy corner to me chuckles. At the moment it worked in my head, but then I thought about it. Forward much? why me? alas. Things either are meant to happen or they aren't. And to be frank I can't see it being anything more than lust. I'm bored I guess.

My bed is calling my name

Becca seems interested in joining me at 6:30 AM to work out. I'm not sure if she's serious or not, the prospect of getting up early for some people is hard to stomach, but I hope she is, because having a real life workout buddy would just be so cool.. and she knows more than I do, having had a personal trainer for 6 months or so, she was telling me about potassium in bananas, how it's supposed to be good when working out.

I'm feeling ok this week. I tried anchovies on pizza today, NEVER AGAIN. They are just too salty and fishy, and I like fish, but it's just.. overpowering.

Non-weight loss related, Spanish is beginning to get difficult. It's taking quite a while for things to sink in for me, I'm just not picking up as quickly as I expect to, but I am determined to learn. I don't want to be uni lingual, I'm going to need it for my job, and it's just part of who I want to be.

I am very much looking forward to the end of this month, to meeting Shanti and Sars. I feel like I've been touched by both of them, and not in a naughty way. I was also supposed to be meeting Fran this month but I'm not sure what's going on with that, I haven't heard from her in a long time.

Next weekend is the fall harvest festival! It's a pow wow hosted by the local Native Americans. I've been going for a year now to their festivals and I love being there. I usually go alone because none of my friends are into that sort of thing, but I like it. I miss the smell of burning wood, sweetgrass, and frybread. And it's kind of awkward, but sometimes the Aztec Indians ask people to dance with them, so I do! Last year I actually had a lot of fun dancing, the worst part is getting up from your chair and going into the circle, after that it's fine.

10/7/08

Well, I suppose this is the blog accompanying my latest video. I feel alright today. Yeah. I met this girl Becca in my fitness class who has lost about the same amount as I, and I am so glad we found each other, because I love talking to people who are interested in weight loss and fitness. She has been on a plateau for the past 3 months and is working to get off of it. I validated her and I said that it must be hard. I may be on a plateau one day so I have a lot of respect for people who are on them and don't give up. But yes, anyway, she wants to be a female body builder which I think is pretty hot. She'll get off of that plateau, I've seen how she works. The little engine that could

There's something else I wanted to write about because I've never really processed it. How did I go from where I was mentally at 272 to now? It was weird. How to put this into words.. For a long time everyone was on my case about my weight. The doctor would bombard me with pamphlets every time I went in for a non weight related visit. That fucking bitch I still hate her oligarchic guts.

My mom would hide food from me, and that hurt. Not because I was out of control but because I felt that if I wanted to lose weight I would do it when I was ready. I wasn't ready for a few years. During those few years some things happened that were signaling me and that I dismissed because I didn't want to start losing weight for other people's satisfaction. Pain in my ankles when walking. Sleeping late in the morning. headaches. Being rejected at a ride in the amusement park. breaking a chair. Barely being able to fit in the airplane seat. And having my best friend tell me I looked like the heart attack kind of fat.

I had adapted this attitude when I was at my heaviest, that I'm here, I'm big, and deal with me. When I was rejected from the park ride I was completely mortified, embarrassed, and also angry that they didn't make bigger seats. I've never been able to admit to myself that it was a defense mechanism, that instead of being broken hearted I was a self righteous uhm... person.. to a lot of people. And hey, sometimes it's really none of their business. I'm crazy, and sorry that I had to write this, I just need to know if anyone else can relate to me.

So now that I'm here and I'm realizing how immense it is to work through all the weight I had gained, I can't believe how far I had let things go. I didn't care about myself like I do now, and if you asked me at the time I would have told you that I loved myself. But loving myself entails keeping promises to myself, and doing things that will help me feel better, like exercising and getting that blood moving. Putting good food in my body. Making my bed every morning. Keeping a neat room. Doing schoolwork. I deserve to feel great, go on rides, not break chairs, run up stairs & jump in the air, get A's. If I didn't love myself how would I recognize someone else who loves & respects me?

yeah the picture has nothing to do with the blog, but they just remind me of myself for some reason. I am.. the coquí.. the coquínat.. Frog runs in my family. While we're at it, here's a coquí:

Ok so I can't input another photo. You'll just have to settle for this:

http://www.topuertorico.org/images/cOQUIb.Gif

yep.

In all seriousness, I'm posting a new video tonight of my body composition test, and there will probably be a blog accompanying it

today's weight is 220 so almost in the teens! You don't know how excited I am because I'm still feeling like I should be in the 230s and I really didn't imagine 1 year ago I would be here. It's also completely plausible that I would be in onederland by the new year.

Today's femaleness is like yesterday but with a cream colored v-neck sweater. Same earrings.

Happy Hump Day!

My Spanish speech yesterday went very well and I'll be surprised if I don't get an A. Mine was the best, not to sound snooty, but I was the only person so far who actually memorized the whole thing, if any. The questions were ones I had anticipated and I had made some sentences up just to answer them.

This morning, I'm feeling really good. I got dressed like a female all the way. It's kind of new for me. For a while now I've been thinking that it's time to put away the high school kid clothes. Over sized t shirts, & baggy jeans.. I want to be taken seriously and I want to dress like a professional woman. I got out some clothes from last year which were womanly, and although I was bigger they kind of still fit, which means I don't have to spend money on new clothes :D

so femaleness today is composed of:
-plucked eyebrows
-pearl & diamond earrings
-cream
-green form fitting shirt
-green bracelet
-shaved legs (under jeans, I hate showing my legs)

So have a Happy Hump Day!