weigh in

I waste a lot of time on the internet.. I read yesterday that the average American spends 8.5 hours in front of a screen per day. Astounding.

My weight is still the same, I weighed this week at 204.4 :) I think I will go back to a monthly weigh in for next month, because it's just depressing me to feel like I am not getting anywhere, when in fact I am making progress.

While on the elliptical this morning I was having so much fun working out! The sweat was pouring and I was just loving being alive. I'm climbing out of the depression I had experienced for the past week. I was thinking while on the elliptical about the boyfriend that I had in high school and how I had initially became bulimic because he said he would find me more attractive if I were thinner. I lost 80 lbs for him, not for me, and then subsequently put on 11o lbs after 'recovering'. I enjoyed being thinner, but I really did it to please him. I am owning up to it now, because it was my decision and I am responsible for myself. I blamed him for a long time, but I think life brings us where it does so that we learn, and I have certainly learned from that experience.

Gym shopping / workout posture

yep.. but not in the sense that you think of it. I'm going around town getting one week free at every gym! When one free ride ends I go find another. I'm trying out the yoga class tonight..

I discovered that I go through this deep guilt and depression after going to the mosque and it lasts for days. I agree with some aspects and others.. are just not for me. I feel so imperfect with all of the super religious people, so I will not go back again. I need some sort of spirituality though, that I can feel loved and accepted as an imperfect human being. I really loved yoga, I did, and I am in search of the right class. Yoga has an amazing effect on the body and did wonders for my mind and posture when I practiced it regularly.

Speaking of posture, today's workout was amazing! I realized that I was working out with the wrong posture on the treadmill, and I need to keep my back straight and face forward, swinging my arms in order to get the real workout. Holding that handlebar takes away from the workout completely; I wasn't using my leg muscles! My entire morning was wonderful.. I was so completely silly in class though, I have to regulate myself. But after having 3 shitty days in a row, to have such a light, cheery, crazy and carefree morning was incredible and uplifting.

Peace and Strength

I am still mulling over spirituality and have been very introspective lately, but I have to tell you, I had an incredible experience last night at the mosque. The people I met and the conversations I had have left a lasting impression on me. God bless them. I definitely felt accepted and embraced as part of the community last night and I saw just how strong and close everyone was. Anyway, I don't want to gush...

My digestion is still out of whack. I will spare you the gorey details, but I think healthy digestion is necessary for weight loss, and I'm still working on it naturally. I feel I am being tested at this point by the lack of loss, but I accept my situation. In fact, I embrace it as an opportunity to grow and to be stronger.

Getting down to business

Well Monday I weighed myself after my trip to New York and the scale reflected a seven pound gain. I doubt it's a full 7 lbs and that a portion of it is sodium or whatever, but I am having non scale issues. For example..

• I noticed lately my face is fuller. I can see it and so can my mom.
• Secondly, my size 18 pants are too tight to be comfortable, so I am going to pack them in a bag in my closet, and go back to my 20's and stretch pants.
• I feel fatter when I walk? It might be mental, but I just feel especially blubbery, for lack of a better word. It feels like my ass is wiggling on a sizmic scale
• I'm more self conscious about my body than before too. I know I look better now, but I am also more self critical.

In reality I've been trying to get back on track for the past 10 weeks. Week after week with my 10 percent challenge I would fluctuate within 2 lbs. I try to find the light in this situation, but trust me it's not easy to step on the scale and see the same thing for 8 weeks. Shoot, for some people it lasts 6 months! I can't even begin to imagine. I feel like I have to be perfect in order to have a loss, and perfection isn't feeling so effortless. Shall I go into the excuses? nah, even I don't want to read that. It'd be like listening to a female cat in heat while trying to pull out a splinter.

I've been working more towards a non processed diet again, and on eatin at home. It's cheaper, and I get to work on my cooking skills. Even though eating out or eating prepared foods are easier there are so many unknowns. One of the things that has kept me from eating fast food sucessfully is thinking of the workers spitting in my food. It turns me off immediately- but truthfully, in any prepared dish there is a whole list of unappetizing gunk, and I just want it out of my system.

No Hay Nadie Como Tú

Full schedule this week ahead! Really exciting, I could just dance. It's all good stuff. I'd share, but i'm tired.

Eating wasn't so great this week. Seriously, it wasn't terrible but wasn't good either. This has been my best exercise week though. Cool! ^_^ even though I'm still not getting anywhere scale wise, I feel stronger. The weights are increasing at the gym again.. OH by the way I finally said screw it to the shoulder press machine. Syonara! It was always such a pain and I felt so good to just scratch it out from my to-do list. I never really felt like I got anywhere with it and I would always dread the time on this machine. Why not work on my strengths instead of trying to shape up my weaknesses?

So, I've switched it out for a deltoid machine for now, we'll see how that goes.

Gardenning

I'm completely wiped... I wish I could go on a little longer, but I'm seriously pooped. I think I haven't let myself sleep enough lately.

The yard is looking better and better everyday, my whole family is so happy! I can't wait until it's 'done' and I can have friends over for a BBQ and just to chill. There will be plenty of lawn chairs out there for them all to sit and enjoy it!