NY con mis pollitos

Me, Shaimaa, Nabil enjoying some Halal food

The Egyptians.

And me.

I had so much fun with this group of students. I love them. They've gone home now back to the college dorms, but I broke the rules of the trip and stayed behind to be with my aunt for a little longer. Oops. ;)

And you know, New York has had a clear jump in security since the underwear bomber from Christmas. I got stopped in Penn station and my bag was tested for explosive particles today. I imagine that Times Square is going to be even more strict tomorrow evening. People have already began gathering over there to secure their spots for a clear view of the concert and ball drop. Millions of people from all over the world gather here. It's kind of insane because it gets very packed, and you can't move. If you have to use the bathroom, you can't leave. I won't be going there as originally contemplated, rather I will stay in Brooklyn with family and watch it from TV.

To come full circle to my diet, I have been walking here all day everyday and eating 2 meals and one snack around lunchtime. I skip lunch to save money, and am sure to drink water.

Ok, the truth is..

I forgot what account I made to write in, the password, email, everything.. lol so I will write here :) I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, if ya do ::high five:: if not, I am talking to a wall, which is ok too.

Well, classes finished last Friday, which means I have more time to do as I please. I really slacked this semester.. and still made it out with a 4.0. I suppose I am kind of smart then. Or perhaps my teachers are just extremely lenient and nice.. or a combination.

Well, my weight isn't anything pretty to look at. I weighed myself 2 weeks ago and I was 216.0, so I am approaching a 20 pound gain. I decided that I want to work it out by myself and on my own, because truthfully if I don't have it inside of me to pull out of this mess, then maybe I don't have it at all. I know I do, and I have faith in myself. I know I can.

I put away a couple of my old workout t shirts in a bin in the basement this morning. It is my ever growing bin of clothes that fit me in April at a luscious 198.0 lbs, which are just too snug to even try for. It would be nice to wear them again for graduation, they're nice clothes and I really like them! I also like the pictures of myself from the summer where I was looking trim. When I came back from my trip to Russia I remember feeling so fat in all of those pictures, but now that I look back and compare, I actually looked quite nice, and it would be lovely to be like that again. Luckily, it's only 20 pounds away, and comparatively not too insurmountable of a task.

I went to the gym yesterday and today, and It's been different than the other times I've been there. Let me preface my story by saying that I haven't been to the gym before that in 4 weeks, and have been pie-ing it up like you would not believe. Well, anyway I remember that people working out next to me would sometimes be reading books while on the treadmill or elliptical, and I thought.. how could they concentrate? With the bobbing up and down that you do while working out, how could you stay focused? Well, it's actually a lot of fun!! I finished 'Teacher Man' while on the treadmill, now starting 'A Tree Grows in Brooklyn', and the best part is that the time just flew by, I was so into the book. And I remembered how bored I would get on the treadmill before when I would just watch FOX news and CNN playing on the TV screens, and the time would just drag on so painfully slow, I barely could stand 15 minutes. Staying entertained really is key to working the workout.. PLUS I am now able to use my iPod again. It has lots of nice Christmas music on it, I've got Ol' Blue Eyes and Sarah Brightman serenading my workout.

I'll write again soon. If not for the world then just for myself to keep things documented. Have a safe and happy holiday!!!

September 1, 2009

My mom reads this now (I have no idea how you found it, mom), so I am no longer going to write in it a whole lot. The truth is that I always felt so invaded when she would read my journal/diary. I have had this one online and although I share a lot with her, including my videos, I need some breathing room where I can just express the thoughts I want to share with friends but not family. I am going to create an anonymous blogspot account, and if you'd like you can follow me there. Message me on youtube @ Coquinat and I will give you the new address.

sorry mom, I need some privacy.

i suck

I put on another 5 lbs in Texas. Total of 10 since my lowest weight ...

I'm going on vacation again tomorrow- this time to Western PA, a place about 6 hours from where I live. My family is going to stay there for about 3 days, to wind down the summer and do some sightseeing. I begin classes again next Monday.

I am feeling so bitter about my predicament with my weight right now. It's pretty frustrating. I hate getting compliments on my weight loss, because it is a work unfinished, and I haven't felt accomplished in that way for some time now. People tell me they admire my willpower and discipline.. what discipline? I am completely sucking at this right now, and I'm losing motivation to continue climbing because it feels like I am running up a muddy and slippery slope. I am either running in place, or if I pause I start sliding backwards very quickly.

weigh in

I waste a lot of time on the internet.. I read yesterday that the average American spends 8.5 hours in front of a screen per day. Astounding.

My weight is still the same, I weighed this week at 204.4 :) I think I will go back to a monthly weigh in for next month, because it's just depressing me to feel like I am not getting anywhere, when in fact I am making progress.

While on the elliptical this morning I was having so much fun working out! The sweat was pouring and I was just loving being alive. I'm climbing out of the depression I had experienced for the past week. I was thinking while on the elliptical about the boyfriend that I had in high school and how I had initially became bulimic because he said he would find me more attractive if I were thinner. I lost 80 lbs for him, not for me, and then subsequently put on 11o lbs after 'recovering'. I enjoyed being thinner, but I really did it to please him. I am owning up to it now, because it was my decision and I am responsible for myself. I blamed him for a long time, but I think life brings us where it does so that we learn, and I have certainly learned from that experience.

Gym shopping / workout posture

yep.. but not in the sense that you think of it. I'm going around town getting one week free at every gym! When one free ride ends I go find another. I'm trying out the yoga class tonight..

I discovered that I go through this deep guilt and depression after going to the mosque and it lasts for days. I agree with some aspects and others.. are just not for me. I feel so imperfect with all of the super religious people, so I will not go back again. I need some sort of spirituality though, that I can feel loved and accepted as an imperfect human being. I really loved yoga, I did, and I am in search of the right class. Yoga has an amazing effect on the body and did wonders for my mind and posture when I practiced it regularly.

Speaking of posture, today's workout was amazing! I realized that I was working out with the wrong posture on the treadmill, and I need to keep my back straight and face forward, swinging my arms in order to get the real workout. Holding that handlebar takes away from the workout completely; I wasn't using my leg muscles! My entire morning was wonderful.. I was so completely silly in class though, I have to regulate myself. But after having 3 shitty days in a row, to have such a light, cheery, crazy and carefree morning was incredible and uplifting.

Peace and Strength

I am still mulling over spirituality and have been very introspective lately, but I have to tell you, I had an incredible experience last night at the mosque. The people I met and the conversations I had have left a lasting impression on me. God bless them. I definitely felt accepted and embraced as part of the community last night and I saw just how strong and close everyone was. Anyway, I don't want to gush...

My digestion is still out of whack. I will spare you the gorey details, but I think healthy digestion is necessary for weight loss, and I'm still working on it naturally. I feel I am being tested at this point by the lack of loss, but I accept my situation. In fact, I embrace it as an opportunity to grow and to be stronger.